You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
one two three fourrrrnication!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.