weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
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I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.