I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.