I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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