The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...