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URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
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