look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.