for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
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this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello