my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
