If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.