God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.