i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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