Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???