So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
