Texts From Last Night

michael042g's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys." http://tfl.nu/ykbn
  Replies (18) Good night (465) Bad night (2908)
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down. http://tfl.nu/7v0j
  Replies (7) Good night (1743) Bad night (443)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer. http://tfl.nu/iky6
  Replies (22) Good night (2628) Bad night (617)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :( http://tfl.nu/ztju
  Replies (25) Good night (3295) Bad night (563)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show http://tfl.nu/lsuc
  Replies (5) Good night (2449) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours http://tfl.nu/b1w1
  Replies (5) Good night (2615) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me http://tfl.nu/m5ly
  Replies (7) Good night (736) Bad night (2183)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up. http://tfl.nu/6w2h
  Replies (8) Good night (1052) Bad night (1494) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas? http://tfl.nu/7kpc
  Replies (6) Good night (1842) Bad night (994) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (660): View more from Missouri

  i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (660): i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting http://tfl.nu/v176
  Replies (12) Good night (1194) Bad night (3335) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night. http://tfl.nu/nw26
  Replies (11) Good night (975) Bad night (3216) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents http://tfl.nu/f104
  Replies (48) Good night (1087) Bad night (3160) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  So. She dumped me today.

  (425): View more from Washington

  Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): So. She dumped me today. (425): Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving". http://tfl.nu/4be4
  Replies (12) Good night (1089) Bad night (3277)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life. http://tfl.nu/t7ml
  Replies (22) Good night (1193) Bad night (2302) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew http://tfl.nu/mfmq
  Replies (8) Good night (3567) Bad night (604) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls http://tfl.nu/v5lo
  Replies (7) Good night (1772) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins. http://tfl.nu/d999
  Replies (12) Good night (675) Bad night (2415) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (442): View more from California

  While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (442): While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage. http://tfl.nu/yi73
  Replies (74) Good night (1244) Bad night (5220) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded. http://tfl.nu/5fxu
  Replies (21) Good night (3646) Bad night (1763) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
  Replies (41) Good night (7978) Bad night (1034) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option) http://tfl.nu/d3t6
  Replies (13) Good night (3944) Bad night (616)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad? http://tfl.nu/48x6
  Replies (21) Good night (963) Bad night (4503)
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): She called to say she's single and blow job season is back. http://tfl.nu/ndvl
  Replies (7) Good night (3540) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch http://tfl.nu/jghc
  Replies (7) Good night (2374) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision. http://tfl.nu/w9kf
  Replies (24) Good night (3529) Bad night (1002) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses" http://tfl.nu/ra51
  Replies (11) Good night (742) Bad night (1662)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco. http://tfl.nu/49kl
  Replies (7) Good night (4102) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out. http://tfl.nu/um8l
  Replies (5) Good night (1799) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician (919): 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician. http://tfl.nu/iajm
  Replies (10) Good night (2066) Bad night (568)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced. http://tfl.nu/voth
  Replies (28) Good night (1099) Bad night (5070) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that. http://tfl.nu/pr0e
  Replies (21) Good night (1289) Bad night (5014) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass http://tfl.nu/r852
  Replies (3) Good night (3263) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress' http://tfl.nu/zrhx
  Replies (4) Good night (1276) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers. http://tfl.nu/y8q2
  Replies (9) Good night (1883) Bad night (1374) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/bwa3
  Replies (9) Good night (3974) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (340): View more from US Virgin Islands

  I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (340): I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen. http://tfl.nu/cees
  Replies (25) Good night (3738) Bad night (1111) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night? http://tfl.nu/29mg
  Replies (11) Good night (3642) Bad night (1234) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too. http://tfl.nu/vi8f
  Replies (41) Good night (1299) Bad night (7816) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge. http://tfl.nu/26oy
  Replies (14) Good night (4823) Bad night (1129) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash? http://tfl.nu/u262
  Replies (8) Good night (783) Bad night (2416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day" http://tfl.nu/t1df
  Replies (26) Good night (2046) Bad night (8968) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again http://tfl.nu/p1ce
  Replies (14) Good night (6844) Bad night (1156) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl? http://tfl.nu/31z4
  Replies (5) Good night (1871) Bad night (784) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever . http://tfl.nu/6kwm
  Replies (6) Good night (2761) Bad night (1019) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  we didnt even have break up sex...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  you had it for us with someone else...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): we didnt even have break up sex... (1-816): you had it for us with someone else... http://tfl.nu/e06z
  Replies (17) Good night (1713) Bad night (6451) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned. http://tfl.nu/x1yo
  Replies (6) Good night (1120) Bad night (2479) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b http://tfl.nu/qxl5
  Replies (9) Good night (1285) Bad night (4295) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it. http://tfl.nu/1dic
  Replies (9) Good night (3038) Bad night (1117) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): 1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square. http://tfl.nu/c9pr
  Replies (4) Good night (2345) Bad night (870) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty http://tfl.nu/bhaz
  Replies (3) Good night (648) Bad night (2684) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again. http://tfl.nu/9aen
  Replies (10) Good night (3522) Bad night (1191) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks http://tfl.nu/8rbl
  Replies (20) Good night (1960) Bad night (3519) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her. http://tfl.nu/sdzd
  Replies (13) Good night (5502) Bad night (1283) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this. http://tfl.nu/3l9v
  Replies (30) Good night (980) Bad night (7479) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening. http://tfl.nu/zy8e
  Replies (26) Good night (1143) Bad night (7950) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea. http://tfl.nu/dzpq
  Replies (4) Good night (1064) Bad night (3955) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out. http://tfl.nu/os26
  Replies (17) Good night (3830) Bad night (1119) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night. http://tfl.nu/t8p9
  Replies (6) Good night (2908) Bad night (1534) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion http://tfl.nu/9p9w
  Replies (47) Good night (2353) Bad night (7960) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am http://tfl.nu/v6r1
  Replies (19) Good night (3197) Bad night (1608) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do... http://tfl.nu/qae9
  Replies (22) Good night (1218) Bad night (3801) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material. http://tfl.nu/gr1e
  Replies (12) Good night (2121) Bad night (1025) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor. http://tfl.nu/z7yu
  Replies (34) Good night (11159) Bad night (1371) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina... http://tfl.nu/78ky
  Replies (19) Good night (1731) Bad night (7208) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job http://tfl.nu/934s
  Replies (14) Good night (1534) Bad night (7088) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned. http://tfl.nu/9j2r
  Replies (30) Good night (5091) Bad night (3329)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer. http://tfl.nu/9xay
  Replies (11) Good night (3314) Bad night (1937) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (731): View more from Tennessee

  He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (731): He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars.... http://tfl.nu/aa23
  Replies (15) Good night (1163) Bad night (8080) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends.. http://tfl.nu/z85j
  Replies (9) Good night (5026) Bad night (1276) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila." http://tfl.nu/how1
  Replies (25) Good night (5279) Bad night (2309) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
  Replies (67) Good night (12671) Bad night (2170) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Two?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Two.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf
  Replies (260) Good night (3960) Bad night (78184)
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
  Replies (209) Good night (61972) Bad night (2274) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62252) Bad night (4267)
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home. http://tfl.nu/79mc
  Replies (12) Good night (2881) Bad night (2697) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
  Replies (14) Good night (1271) Bad night (5462) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1
  Replies (18) Good night (10019) Bad night (1649) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (87) Good night (14308) Bad night (2668) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night. http://tfl.nu/0cve
  Replies (71) Good night (1389) Bad night (6134) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair http://tfl.nu/7ypz
  Replies (36) Good night (4528) Bad night (1233) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts. http://tfl.nu/wlt6
  Replies (48) Good night (7492) Bad night (1959) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (188) Good night (56838) Bad night (4687)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself. http://tfl.nu/hfdh
  Replies (12) Good night (828) Bad night (7011)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal http://tfl.nu/qwe2
  Replies (13) Good night (7164) Bad night (1329) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad http://tfl.nu/bnzk
  Replies (75) Good night (11796) Bad night (3332) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Why am I in a dog kennel?

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  It was for your own safety

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni
  Replies (27) Good night (12869) Bad night (1331) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five http://tfl.nu/catf
  Replies (44) Good night (2881) Bad night (7734) Order T-Shirt