Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five