so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
