Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Houston, we have a squirter