There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
20+ Wholesome Memes You Need In Your Life Right Now
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.