Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just googled if crying burns calories
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I love having hate sex.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis