She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it glows. i had to have it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.