I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"