i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
i'm really worried about him.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal