She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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