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My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
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