Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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