There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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