I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.