Texts From Last Night

CaptainAmerica's Favorites Texts:

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  (713): View more from Texas

  I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

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  (713): I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me. http://tfl.nu/0ubs
  Replies (10) Good night (3488) Bad night (709) Order T-Shirt
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  (863): View more from Florida

  There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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  (863): There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent. http://tfl.nu/g0ez
  Replies (21) Good night (6544) Bad night (784) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

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  (210): Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country http://tfl.nu/te1e
  Replies (9) Good night (3949) Bad night (752) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'

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  (503): some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?' http://tfl.nu/rnao
  Replies (12) Good night (3521) Bad night (804) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
  Replies (56) Good night (14976) Bad night (1203) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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  (631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies http://tfl.nu/qgfc
  Replies (61) Good night (18548) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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  (636): Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half. http://tfl.nu/fs6e
  Replies (83) Good night (21441) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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  (714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb
  Replies (30) Good night (14116) Bad night (1303) Order T-Shirt
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  (786): View more from Florida

  He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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  (786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll
  Replies (17) Good night (7076) Bad night (770)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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  (314): Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us. http://tfl.nu/5cyi
  Replies (12) Good night (5533) Bad night (1262) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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  (714): drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well. http://tfl.nu/2mtg
  Replies (26) Good night (7769) Bad night (1102) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.

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  (603): I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again. http://tfl.nu/0sqv
  Replies (23) Good night (1219) Bad night (4478)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  How was the bike ride?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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  (734): How was the bike ride? (1-734): Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups. http://tfl.nu/2qrl
  Replies (21) Good night (7982) Bad night (704) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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  (804): finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets. http://tfl.nu/gp9t
  Replies (21) Good night (7829) Bad night (854)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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  (404): I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious. http://tfl.nu/jbo1
  Replies (8) Good night (5094) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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  (254): There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN. http://tfl.nu/m7t2
  Replies (35) Good night (6850) Bad night (1090) Order T-Shirt
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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  (252): This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero. http://tfl.nu/82jq
  Replies (16) Good night (6891) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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  (646): He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone http://tfl.nu/7e7m
  Replies (13) Good night (5428) Bad night (788) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

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  (615): drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked. http://tfl.nu/g4y8
  Replies (45) Good night (1217) Bad night (9109) Order T-Shirt
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?

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  (252): Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome? http://tfl.nu/vqed
  Replies (56) Good night (1765) Bad night (9301) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad

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  (602): hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad http://tfl.nu/sh9o
  Replies (45) Good night (621) Bad night (9261) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  maybe i'll see you again later :)

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I'd rather shit a knife.

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  (612): maybe i'll see you again later :) (774): I'd rather shit a knife. http://tfl.nu/qge0
  Replies (50) Good night (1470) Bad night (10345)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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  (608): I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday. http://tfl.nu/an09
  Replies (33) Good night (2108) Bad night (10492)
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  (310): View more from California

  she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.

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  (310): she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category. http://tfl.nu/bs6u
  Replies (55) Good night (471) Bad night (11064)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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  (480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out. http://tfl.nu/rr3m
  Replies (91) Good night (3808) Bad night (15857) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

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  (847): this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way http://tfl.nu/rl6u
  Replies (220) Good night (2061) Bad night (27365)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
  Replies (156) Good night (6142) Bad night (39422)
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  (325): View more from Texas

  wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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  (325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah" http://tfl.nu/d8s5
  Replies (97) Good night (6146) Bad night (58575) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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  (516): sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it. http://tfl.nu/pgco
  Replies (13) Good night (6460) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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  (902): Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/c874
  Replies (12) Good night (6644) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
  Replies (21) Good night (10337) Bad night (854)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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  (303): You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat. (1-303): ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent. http://tfl.nu/2smi
  Replies (17) Good night (11779) Bad night (1185) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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  (519): her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs http://tfl.nu/0f09
  Replies (20) Good night (10861) Bad night (1018) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
  Replies (48) Good night (24100) Bad night (1021)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

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  (416): No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up. http://tfl.nu/0i7a
  Replies (14) Good night (4328) Bad night (2373) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

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  (336): I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser http://tfl.nu/rv8v
  Replies (5) Good night (3385) Bad night (976)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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  (810): Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you http://tfl.nu/vy0a
  Replies (21) Good night (4757) Bad night (1321) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

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  (845): felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter http://tfl.nu/o0yy
  Replies (33) Good night (1248) Bad night (6069) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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  (908): did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp. http://tfl.nu/a6do
  Replies (40) Good night (20360) Bad night (789)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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  (720): Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown (303): I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself. http://tfl.nu/zmkv
  Replies (44) Good night (8034) Bad night (732)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.

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  (214): You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle. http://tfl.nu/y634
  Replies (14) Good night (4018) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me

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  (646): I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me http://tfl.nu/nl48
  Replies (20) Good night (4342) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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  (973): we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical. http://tfl.nu/h352
  Replies (129) Good night (13793) Bad night (2636) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you are are

  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu

  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!

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  (631): Where you are. You must stay where you are are (631): Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu (631): Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!! http://tfl.nu/6b8y
  Replies (12) Good night (832) Bad night (409)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.

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  (908): Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING. http://tfl.nu/rnks
  Replies (20) Good night (310) Bad night (2451) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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  (870): you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions. http://tfl.nu/7qp6
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  why is allison so mad at me??

  (469): View more from Texas

  me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  crap..

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  (318): why is allison so mad at me?? (469): me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!". (318): crap.. http://tfl.nu/7nes
  Replies (28) Good night (1171) Bad night (5586)
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  (716): View more from New York

  And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.

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  (716): And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself. http://tfl.nu/r0kt
  Replies (19) Good night (619) Bad night (3730) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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  (425): You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option. http://tfl.nu/ipw1
  Replies (34) Good night (9664) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is sufficient.

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  (412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m
  Replies (72) Good night (11557) Bad night (566)
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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  (251): you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you http://tfl.nu/7a0u
  Replies (57) Good night (11551) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (117) Good night (25283) Bad night (3897) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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  (240): this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday. http://tfl.nu/pumo
  Replies (30) Good night (11485) Bad night (490)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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  (201): why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall http://tfl.nu/krc7
  Replies (43) Good night (11075) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  You are an asshole

  (574): View more from Indiana

  haha sleeping beauty awakes.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Where did you find this costume?

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  (616): You are an asshole (574): haha sleeping beauty awakes. (616): Where did you find this costume? http://tfl.nu/m4ai
  Replies (31) Good night (11792) Bad night (570)
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  (562): View more from California

  Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

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  (562): Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty. http://tfl.nu/kgia
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  (909): View more from California

  College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

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  (909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe. http://tfl.nu/4iki
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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  (402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce (1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE. http://tfl.nu/loe7
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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  (248): I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch http://tfl.nu/y65i
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  (407): View more from Florida

  this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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  (407): this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god. http://tfl.nu/34d8
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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  (704 ): I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is http://tfl.nu/z1kt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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  (630): I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important http://tfl.nu/7wts
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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  (313): Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone. http://tfl.nu/vfbd
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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  (514): Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta. http://tfl.nu/sa2y
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

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  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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  (425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm out of practice. be my yoda

  (314): View more from Missouri

  put your penis in her you must.

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  (314): doooooooo herrrrrrrrr (504): I'm out of practice. be my yoda (314): put your penis in her you must. http://tfl.nu/ti1e
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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  (480): Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles. http://tfl.nu/jmsm
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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  (910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm
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