My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
