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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Are my feet made of real feet?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You're my little dorito
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Sober January is a disaster.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!