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What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
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