Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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