Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.