Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"