Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?