I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dating After Heartbreak
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.