Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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