so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
what if I'm pregnant?
I think about you every night.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll