I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward