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I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
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