Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
yea but for you.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.