There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
whose ass print is on the piano?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.