He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.