Texts From Last Night

bjaclol's Favorites Texts:

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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.

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  (813): I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked. http://tfl.nu/aika
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock

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  (812): This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock http://tfl.nu/gdx6
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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  (405): I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed. http://tfl.nu/abj9
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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  (423): By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time. http://tfl.nu/7ckj
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.

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  (717): It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point. http://tfl.nu/8d6y
  Replies (8) Good night (3366) Bad night (703)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job

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  (918): Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job http://tfl.nu/tafk
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  she could've warned me his penis was curved

  (708): View more from Illinois

  ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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  (630): she could've warned me his penis was curved (708): ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/vp5d
  Replies (14) Good night (1586) Bad night (4543)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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  (630): But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them http://tfl.nu/vxlz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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  (512): When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man http://tfl.nu/fxmb
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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  (703): She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis (1-703): Every man deserves at least one moment like that http://tfl.nu/aq3j
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...

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  (318): you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back... http://tfl.nu/qoth
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  (323): View more from California

  Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.

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  (323): Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl. http://tfl.nu/6wl6
  Replies (32) Good night (2063) Bad night (4073) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
  Replies (63) Good night (57116) Bad night (1237)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
  Replies (235) Good night (64956) Bad night (2544)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62331) Bad night (4293)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (248) Good night (66809) Bad night (3032) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.

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  (416): drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets. http://tfl.nu/drct
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  Marry him

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  (503): He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song. (1-503): Marry him http://tfl.nu/vquy
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  didnt we say no more talking to eachother

  (906): View more from Michigan

  it will help you get over me i promise

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  im horny

  (906): View more from Michigan

  ok i will unlock the door

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  (906): didnt we say no more talking to eachother (906): it will help you get over me i promise (414): im horny (906): ok i will unlock the door http://tfl.nu/m6ae
  Replies (16) Good night (2478) Bad night (534)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Hi, my name's audrey!

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Max?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.

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  (740): Hi, my name's audrey! (614): Max? (740): Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk. http://tfl.nu/di7n
  Replies (31) Good night (5972) Bad night (794)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.

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  (406): Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it. http://tfl.nu/qcms
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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  (802): I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do http://tfl.nu/o1hg
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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  (360): I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days http://tfl.nu/ngst
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast

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  (609): i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast http://tfl.nu/q9sr
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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  (204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0
  Replies (17) Good night (7044) Bad night (1024)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.

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  (402): Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then. http://tfl.nu/941i
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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  (404): They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans. http://tfl.nu/hk9w
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  (315): View more from New York

  He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender

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  (315): He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender http://tfl.nu/9vxe
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.

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  (412): he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night. http://tfl.nu/6lcj
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
  Replies (17) Good night (10217) Bad night (1363)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can get orange kush...

  (586): View more from Michigan

  GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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  (313): I can get orange kush... (586): GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?! http://tfl.nu/voiy
  Replies (32) Good night (6316) Bad night (1326)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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  (502): one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why. http://tfl.nu/9zaj
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

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  (+44): That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar http://tfl.nu/aq1i
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.

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  (314): the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick. http://tfl.nu/zpzn
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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  (502): I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore http://tfl.nu/n25p
  Replies (37) Good night (6454) Bad night (1205)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.

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  (218): Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion. http://tfl.nu/1y37
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts

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  (403): i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts http://tfl.nu/x8b0
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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  (615): Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs. http://tfl.nu/w8zn
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  (516): View more from New York

  id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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  (516): id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though http://tfl.nu/r22j
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?

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  (704): Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls? http://tfl.nu/h3go
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......

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  (610): Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain....... http://tfl.nu/fodn
  Replies (26) Good night (1543) Bad night (7050) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

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  (281): I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged. http://tfl.nu/p1l3
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  (409): View more from Texas

  He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'

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  (409): He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this' http://tfl.nu/libu
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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  (270): I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell http://tfl.nu/jfse
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  it's gonna be a great weekend

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  (203): as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot (1-203): it's gonna be a great weekend http://tfl.nu/mkok
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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  (207): Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/f26o
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players

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  (770): he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players http://tfl.nu/ani7
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??

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  (816): I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right?? http://tfl.nu/udb6
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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  (570): Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever http://tfl.nu/sgij
  Replies (86) Good night (2992) Bad night (15042)
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  (716): View more from New York

  I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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  (716): I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas. http://tfl.nu/cqgv
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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  (919): My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ix9e
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  (415): View more from California

  There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

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  (415): There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail. http://tfl.nu/6ic6
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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  (908): My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv. http://tfl.nu/oqts
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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  (609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8
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  (562): View more from California

  If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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  (562): If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up http://tfl.nu/jdv3
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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  (740): you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god http://tfl.nu/byer
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

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  (956): Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs. http://tfl.nu/dv3c
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation

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  (303): Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation http://tfl.nu/s4ly
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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  (319): Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter http://tfl.nu/rgti
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I seriously wish I was FB friends with her

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  (906): I seriously wish I was FB friends with her http://tfl.nu/inkp
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