Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.