No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm home, then i'll come over
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.