Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i'm home, then i'll come over
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit