Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
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i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it