i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday