Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
We need to rekindle our bromance
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.