there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants